Saturday, June 1, 2013
Rhabarber Barbara, ihr Rharbarber Bar, die Barbaren, ein Barbier, und ein Bier
Hier ist der lustige Text:
In einem kleinen Dorf wohnte einst ein
Mädchen mit dem Namen Barbara.
Barbara war in der ganzen Gegend für
ihren ausgezeichneten Rhabarberkuchen bekannt.
Weil jeder so gerne Barbara's
Rhabarberkuchen aß nannte man sie Rhabarberbarbara.
Rhabarberbarbara merkte bald,
dass sie mit ihrem Rhabarberkuchen
Geld verdienen könnte.
Daher eröffnete sie eine Bar:
Die Rhabarberbarbarabar.
Natürlich gab es in der Rhabarberbarbarabar bald Stammkunden.
Die bekanntesten unter Ihnen, drei Barbaren,
kamen so oft in die Rhabarberbarbarabar
um von Rhabarberbarbaras Rhabarberkuchen zu essen,
dass man sie kurz die Rhabarberbarbara-barbarbaren nannte.
Die Rhabarberbarbarabarbarbaren hatten wunderschöne dichte Bärte.
Wenn die Rhabarberbarbarabarbarbaren ihren Rhabarberbarbarabarbarbarenbart
pflegten gingen sie zum Barbier.
Der einzige Barbier der einen Rhabarberbarbarabarbarbarenbart bearbeiten konnte
wollte das natürlich betonen
und nannte sich Rhabarberbarbarabarbarbarenbartbarbier.
Nach dem stutzen des Rhabarberbarbarabarbarbarenbarts
geht der Rhabarberbarbarabarbarbarenbartbar-Bier
meist mit den Rhabarberbarbarabarbarbaren
in die Rhabarberbarbarabar
um mit den Rhabarberbarbarabarbarbaren
von Rhabarberbarbaras herrlichem
Rhabarberkuchen zu essen.
Zungenbrecher = Tongue Twisters
Hier bei Wetten Das! (Take a Bet on That!) der Zungenbrechenmeister...
Those unfamiliar with this program moderated by Thomas Gottschalk, there are a few twists from talk shows we're familiar with.
1. "Wetten Das!!" isn't scheduled regularly.
2. Similar to TATORT, the Sunday detective program that holds the country captive, "Wetten Das!" is broadcast all over the country, and I believe has also been broadcast from Austria.
3. There isn't a specific,but rather a suggested broadcast time, and the program always runs over.
4. Often, there's a local feat that the community at large has to perform before the program is finished, which begins and ends the segment. Most often, the community pulls together and accomplishes the required task.
5. Meanwhile, celebrities, including international ones, are invited to chat and perform, but they are also asked to get involved in some local talent. They are shown a task that someone is going to attempt, and they have to bet whether this task will be achieved or not. If they are correct, all's well. If they bet incorrectly, they'll have to step up to do whatever alternate challenge is offered.
Can you guess if this Japanese guest guessed correctly, as a fellow tries to correctly perform a certain number of tongue twisters in a single minute? The piece has been nicely edited, and only includes the performance, along with proof of what had been said: a slowed down version, with text rolling next to it, so we can read what we hear him say. Clever!
Here, Thomas beginnt: Die Wette gilt! The bet is ON!
And the entire text ends with PIZZA!
Those unfamiliar with this program moderated by Thomas Gottschalk, there are a few twists from talk shows we're familiar with.
1. "Wetten Das!!" isn't scheduled regularly.
2. Similar to TATORT, the Sunday detective program that holds the country captive, "Wetten Das!" is broadcast all over the country, and I believe has also been broadcast from Austria.
3. There isn't a specific,but rather a suggested broadcast time, and the program always runs over.
4. Often, there's a local feat that the community at large has to perform before the program is finished, which begins and ends the segment. Most often, the community pulls together and accomplishes the required task.
5. Meanwhile, celebrities, including international ones, are invited to chat and perform, but they are also asked to get involved in some local talent. They are shown a task that someone is going to attempt, and they have to bet whether this task will be achieved or not. If they are correct, all's well. If they bet incorrectly, they'll have to step up to do whatever alternate challenge is offered.
Can you guess if this Japanese guest guessed correctly, as a fellow tries to correctly perform a certain number of tongue twisters in a single minute? The piece has been nicely edited, and only includes the performance, along with proof of what had been said: a slowed down version, with text rolling next to it, so we can read what we hear him say. Clever!
Here, Thomas beginnt: Die Wette gilt! The bet is ON!
And the entire text ends with PIZZA!
Cure for a distracted mind
- Stare at a painting
Are distracting smartphones making us more stupid? New research suggests that could be the case: When Carnegie Mellon researchers interrupted college students with text messages while they were taking a test, the students had average test scores that were 20 percent lower than the scores of those who took the exam with their phones turned off.
Another study found that students, when left to their own devices, are unable to focus on homework for more than two minutes without turning to Web surfing or e-mail. Adults in the workforce can make it to about 11 minutes.
Jennifer Roberts, a professor of the history of art and architecture at Harvard, thinks she has a fairly simple solution to help her American art history students appreciate the act of focusing: They must pick any painting, sculpture, or object made by an American artist and stare at it — for three hours.
“They’re usually skeptical at first,” she told me, “but afterward, they tell me the process was really astonishing, enabling them to see things, make observations, and develop original ideas about the work that never would have occurred otherwise.”
Roberts, herself, has seen the payoffs of strategic
patience after her own close analysis of John Singleton Copley’s 1765
painting “Boy With a Squirrel” (inset). After spending an hour with the
painting, she noticed echoing patterns in the shapes of the boy’s ear
and the squirrel’s ruff. After two hours, she got a different insight:
that Copley is likely to have thought about the impact that his work
would have on the London art world when he was painting it.
Achieving sustained focus on a regular basis is tough when many of us spend our days attending to various buzzing gadgets. Whether this has diminished the mind’s ability to focus has been debated by brain scientists.
“We know there’s plasticity in the brain,” Willingham said, “but we might be in big trouble if our environment could change the brain that dramatically.”
Brown University neuroscientist Dr. Cathy Kerr said studies indicate that we don’t stick with one activity for as long as we did in the past, and it’s likely to be causing subtle brain changes.
On the flip side, practicing sustained attention every day can also result in subtle changes to the brain — in a beneficial way.
Formal meditation, where people learn to focus on their breathing, can lead to better control over “their attentional spotlight,” where it’s placed and how well it’s maintained, said Kerr who has conducted meditation studies. This can reduce negative ruminating thoughts in people who are depressed and help increase a sense of calmness when encountering ordinary stresses such as a delayed flight or broken household appliance.
While you may not have time to stare at a painting for three hours every day — you should try it at least once — you can probably find 10 to 15 minutes to study an object of beauty.
It shouldn’t be an image on your computer but something you’re “really confronting in the flesh,” Roberts said, to examine its texture, color, smell, and how light plays off of it.
Willingham takes a walk outside every day, without any electronic devices, to observe the sights and sounds of his natural surroundings.
Spending several minutes watching a woodpecker hack into a tree stump or water tumbling over rocks in a stream helps increase meta-awareness. “You develop a curiosity and tend to create a new story about the world,” Kerr said, that’s different from a quick dismissive glance.
Feeling the reward from the focused activity will likely encourage you to do it again. And you might be discouraged from grazing over the latest entertainment news or status updates from your friends if you recognize that it’s just a time suck yielding few real insights.
“One of the ways I’ve managed to reduce my distractions,” Kerr said, “is by asking myself each time I’m about to distract myself whether that particular activity is salient to me; 90 percent of the time it isn’t.”
Deborah Kotz can be reached at dkotz@globe.com. Follow her on Twitter @debkotz2.
-----
Ready to give this a try?
Friday, May 31, 2013
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
How to become German, Part 2
HOW DOES ONE BECOME GERMAN?
-- Introduction to Part 2 from RSB Since Part 1 was fairly well received on this blog, I'll keep (most of) these jewels from Alex Fletcher coming. They are, in fact, quite funny, written as they are by a young Brit, who is finding himself in rather unfamiliar surroundings, and proud to notice a few differences. I hope that any reader of this blog will look at these comments with humor, rather than with a notebook.
Sauerkraut lost its importance to the rest of the world once we were no longer at threat from scurvy. Germans absolutely hate the stereotype that they're a nation of obsessive sauerkraut eaters. Really hate it. Many have stopped eating Sauerkraut entirely in an act of nationalistic principle, or maybe they just don't like sauerkraut (who could blame them) and this offers a more profound excuse for its avoidance. But someone must love it, or sauerkraut is playing a large and elaborate practical joke on the German people because if you order a German meal, in a German restaurant, there is an 87% chance it will come with sauerkraut. It's there. It's always there. It's like a pact was made somewhere at a secret meeting no German was invited to, a referendum of one and now sauerkraut is the official, national side dish. If there's no smoke without fire, and there's no German "Hauptgericht" (main dish) without Sauerkraut, the stereotype has to be accurate. If you don't like it my dear Krauts, change that default side dish. May I suggest Baked Beans? It's a custom of my people and I must say, I find them to be delicious.
Side note from RSB who loves both Sauerkraut and Rotkohl and hope restaurants will continue serving them: Both of these dishes continue to prove to be very healthy! Unpasteurized, non-preserved sauerkraut has more great bacteria than yogurt. It's positively awesome.
But not all work is equally prized. There is an unspoken scale of careers, known, but not acknowledged by all Germans. Real jobs and not real jobs. For a profession to count in Germany, it should have existed for at least a hundred years, be vaguely scientific or at least dense enough that it requires half a life time of study and the opportunity to acquire 67 different academic qualifications. It should be impenetrable to outsiders, shielded in its own complex language. Ideally, it should also start with an "e" and in "ngineering". But other accepted professions are scientist, lawyer, doctor, teacher, something that involves organising things on a large scale, like logistics, or anything to do with cars. Otherwise when people ask you your job, the same will happen to you as happens to me, I reply "I'm a marketer", at which point someone says, "that's not really a job though, is it?"
In English, for example, if you want someone to do something for you, you do not merely go up to that person and ask them to do something for you. Oh no. That would be a large faux pas of the social variety. Instead you must first inquire about their health, their families health, their children’s health, the weather, the activities of the previous weekend, the plans of the upcoming weekend, the joy or ecstasy related to the outcome of the most recent televised football match, then, finally, you can say "by the way", after which you begin the actual point of the conversation, before reinforcing that you feel guilty for having to ask, and only if it's no trouble, but would they be so kind as to possibly do this little thing for you. You will be eternally grateful.
Germans do not dance around the point in such elaborate, transparent displays of faux-friendship, they just say "I need this by this date... Alles klar”? Then walk off. Once you've practiced regularly getting to the point, you may find the way to be short but very enjoyable.
As for saying what you mean, Germans have rightly realised that sugar coating is best reserved for cakes. If I'm having one of my momentary delusions of grandeur I know I can rely on my German girlfriend to bring me swiftly back down to reality by saying something like "get over yourself, we're all born naked and must wipe our own rear ends".
The average German has a complex relationship to its Hauptstadt. Berlin is the black sheep of the German family. Creative, unpunctual, prone to spontaneous displays of techno, unable to pay its taxes, over familiar with foreigners. To many Germans, Berlin is not really their capital, it's more like a giant art project or social experiment ... in need of a hand out. To them, the true capital is probably somewhere more like Frankfurt. You know where you are with Frankfurt.
-- Introduction to Part 2 from RSB Since Part 1 was fairly well received on this blog, I'll keep (most of) these jewels from Alex Fletcher coming. They are, in fact, quite funny, written as they are by a young Brit, who is finding himself in rather unfamiliar surroundings, and proud to notice a few differences. I hope that any reader of this blog will look at these comments with humor, rather than with a notebook.
11. EAT SAUERKRAUT
Sauerkraut lost its importance to the rest of the world once we were no longer at threat from scurvy. Germans absolutely hate the stereotype that they're a nation of obsessive sauerkraut eaters. Really hate it. Many have stopped eating Sauerkraut entirely in an act of nationalistic principle, or maybe they just don't like sauerkraut (who could blame them) and this offers a more profound excuse for its avoidance. But someone must love it, or sauerkraut is playing a large and elaborate practical joke on the German people because if you order a German meal, in a German restaurant, there is an 87% chance it will come with sauerkraut. It's there. It's always there. It's like a pact was made somewhere at a secret meeting no German was invited to, a referendum of one and now sauerkraut is the official, national side dish. If there's no smoke without fire, and there's no German "Hauptgericht" (main dish) without Sauerkraut, the stereotype has to be accurate. If you don't like it my dear Krauts, change that default side dish. May I suggest Baked Beans? It's a custom of my people and I must say, I find them to be delicious. Side note from RSB who loves both Sauerkraut and Rotkohl and hope restaurants will continue serving them: Both of these dishes continue to prove to be very healthy! Unpasteurized, non-preserved sauerkraut has more great bacteria than yogurt. It's positively awesome.
12. LOOK FOR A JOB
Good news Ausländer, the German economy is rocking. Employment is very possible, even in the East, where formerly abandoned cities like Leipzig have redeveloped themselves into logistics hubs. So armed with all those new qualifications and letters before your name, you'll have no problems finding work.But not all work is equally prized. There is an unspoken scale of careers, known, but not acknowledged by all Germans. Real jobs and not real jobs. For a profession to count in Germany, it should have existed for at least a hundred years, be vaguely scientific or at least dense enough that it requires half a life time of study and the opportunity to acquire 67 different academic qualifications. It should be impenetrable to outsiders, shielded in its own complex language. Ideally, it should also start with an "e" and in "ngineering". But other accepted professions are scientist, lawyer, doctor, teacher, something that involves organising things on a large scale, like logistics, or anything to do with cars. Otherwise when people ask you your job, the same will happen to you as happens to me, I reply "I'm a marketer", at which point someone says, "that's not really a job though, is it?"
14. SAY WHAT YOU MEAN
English is not about what you say, but how you say it. German is both, but more the former. Since what Germans say tends to be direct and prepared with minimal ambiguity. Ruthlessly efficient, if you will.In English, for example, if you want someone to do something for you, you do not merely go up to that person and ask them to do something for you. Oh no. That would be a large faux pas of the social variety. Instead you must first inquire about their health, their families health, their children’s health, the weather, the activities of the previous weekend, the plans of the upcoming weekend, the joy or ecstasy related to the outcome of the most recent televised football match, then, finally, you can say "by the way", after which you begin the actual point of the conversation, before reinforcing that you feel guilty for having to ask, and only if it's no trouble, but would they be so kind as to possibly do this little thing for you. You will be eternally grateful.
Germans do not dance around the point in such elaborate, transparent displays of faux-friendship, they just say "I need this by this date... Alles klar”? Then walk off. Once you've practiced regularly getting to the point, you may find the way to be short but very enjoyable.
As for saying what you mean, Germans have rightly realised that sugar coating is best reserved for cakes. If I'm having one of my momentary delusions of grandeur I know I can rely on my German girlfriend to bring me swiftly back down to reality by saying something like "get over yourself, we're all born naked and must wipe our own rear ends".
5. FEEL MIXED ABOUT BERLIN
The average German has a complex relationship to its Hauptstadt. Berlin is the black sheep of the German family. Creative, unpunctual, prone to spontaneous displays of techno, unable to pay its taxes, over familiar with foreigners. To many Germans, Berlin is not really their capital, it's more like a giant art project or social experiment ... in need of a hand out. To them, the true capital is probably somewhere more like Frankfurt. You know where you are with Frankfurt. 16. HATE BAVARIA
Every pantomime needs its villain. For Germany, the wicked witch is Bavaria. Firstly it had the misfortune to be based right down there in the corner, far enough away that we can all say mean things about it and it won't hear, not central enough that it can claim real geographic importance. It then had the audacity to become the richest state, but not quietly and with humility, but in a gregarious, badly dressed, heavy drinking, God greeting, bumpkin sort of way. It's also a source of wider German mirth since, while only one part of this huge country, it's responsible for 91% of all wider held German stereotypes and 100% of the annoying, inaccurate ones.17. SPEAK FREELY ABOUT SEX
It is a great joy to live in a society that deals with sex so frankly and without fuss. As if, oh I don't know, it was a completely normal part of life. An act so common there is even compelling evidence our lame parents engaged in it. Germans understand this. Sex, while perhaps dealt with a little clinically at times, is not a big deal and must not be treated as such. It's like walking the dog or taking out the trash. Nudity is extended the same perfunctory familiarity. Particularly around lakes in the East of the country, with their history of FKK ("Frei Koerper Kultur" = nude sun bathing). When I questioned one of my colleagues on the need for such overt nakedness when an East Germans spots any body of water larger than a puddle, this was the reply "if you've never swum naked with 5 of your best friends, you haven't lived!"
Side note from RSB: Perhaps because of the prevalence of the "Frauenklinik," it is far easier for girls in Germany to receive birth control prescriptions, no questions asked, than it is in the clinics or doctors' offices here.
(Rather than having) German men...(drawing physical comparisons) against the other men they meet.... they've evolved other ways to rank themselves, the favourite being: cars. When my girlfriend told her father she had a new English boyfriend, his first question, before my name, job, interests, age etc "what kind of car does he drive?" Germans are serious about their cars. They're also pretty good at making them. Possibly those two are also related, but since I can't think of any jokes in the linking of them, I'll conveniently ignore that and just move on.
18. LOVE YOUR CAR.
(Rather than having) German men...(drawing physical comparisons) against the other men they meet.... they've evolved other ways to rank themselves, the favourite being: cars. When my girlfriend told her father she had a new English boyfriend, his first question, before my name, job, interests, age etc "what kind of car does he drive?" Germans are serious about their cars. They're also pretty good at making them. Possibly those two are also related, but since I can't think of any jokes in the linking of them, I'll conveniently ignore that and just move on.19. DO NOTHING ON SUNDAYS.
Picture the scene - an abandoned hospital. Someone wakes up in bed, in a locked room. They don't remember how they got there. They are groggy. It's quiet. Eerily quiet. They get up, and leave the room, stepping gingerly out into the hall. There are no humans around. It feels like the end of the world. They venture outside to try and find signs of humanity. There is nothing. They start to wonder if they are the only people left on earth. Maybe it was a killer virus. It's quiet, too quiet. Sound familiar? Yes, this is the start of most zombie movies. It’s also a description of the average Sunday in Germany. At least in catholic or rural areas. A day in which washing your car is considered an act of vigilantism against the sacred Sonntagsruhe (= restful Sundays).
Side note from RSB: Besides taking a family hike,... There is of course one exception though. One Sunday activity that is compulsory, and that is:
20. WATCH TATORT
In my first WG ("Wohngesellschaft" = dorm) we had a TV attached to a skateboard that lived in a cupboard. It was only wheeled out once a week, for Tatort. Friends of my roommates would come by, the TV would be setup in the kitchen, elaborate meals would be cooked and shared, then silence would descend and Tatort would begin. If you dare to ask a German "is Tatort actually good?" the response is usually very amusing. You would think since they watch it with such rigid vigour, privately or as part of the public viewings in pubs, they must really love it? Yet, they usually don't say yes. They made a shocked face, as if that's a new question and they've not really thought about it before, like you asked them "do you believe in gravity?" then, usually, they'll conclude that whether Tatort is good or bad is utterly irrelevant. Every culture has its inherited customs. For the Germans, it's Sunday Tatort.
Side note from RSB: die Tat - the Deed; der Ort = the Place. Tatort is filmed in different locations around Germany, so there is different kind of incentive between them to keep the audience glued to the series. It is also a way for Germans to pick up different dialects, and hear about other areas in Germany, as well as witness how one's own location is being broadcast to the viewers. What kind of show is it? It's a "Krimi," or crime-solving detective series, featuring different dectectives, depending on the host-network.
Thanks for reading, there is also now a part 3 here.
How to become GERMAN the last 5 steps
Came straight here? That won't work. First check out steps 1-10 and steps 11-20.
Oh boy, did I get some grief for not mentioning German bread in the first 20 steps. It's possible Germans can also insert yeast into emails, because all the angry ones kept rising to the top of my inbox. I get it. You like bread. But not all bread. Your bread. Just your bread. As an apology I'm going to make a German bread joke in nearly all 5 of my next steps. I hope that's enough for you to understand how sorry I am.
21. EAT GERMAN "BREAD"
Anyone who doubts how seriously Germans take their bread is either a fool, me, or both. Germans are serious about bread. This is reflected in their bread, which is serious. As opposed to that fluffy white English nonsense, which they see as an unforgivable waste of yeast. A child's finger painting masquerading as high art. It's true English bread is of the soft and cuddly persuasion. Sometimes I'm not sure whether to make a sandwich with it, or just sort of climb in and have a little nap. It's a bouncy castle for the taste buds. I can see how you wouldn't like that. Frivolous. In comparison when I see German bread, I have the urge to thump my chest and shout "Jawohl". It packs quite the visual punch. Important is the weight (ideally more than an average new born baby), the colour (rich and dark, like, em, um...swamp mud) and the texture (slightly damp concrete). If dropped, there is an expectation that it should shatter into a thousand pieces. 22. ALWAYS SEND FRIENDLY GREETINGS
It's an accepted internet rule that you can say pretty much whatever you want, as long as you put :) at the end. LOL optional, but encouraged. This removes the option for the receiver (and joke's victim) to be allowed to be offended. After all, there was a smiley face, it was a joke. If you are offended, that's your fault, you should have a sense of humour. Germans have a similar rule for their communication, but they've substituted the smiley face for LG (lovely greetings/regards, crudely translated) or MFG (with friendly greetings), VG (many greetings) or the highly innovative, new, MVFLG (with many friendly lovely greetings), which I may or may not have just made up. You can be as mean as you want, as long as your message is gift wrapped in a parting LG or MFG. I'm not even going to question the logic of signing off with the greeting, an act traditionally saved for the beginning. 
23. SAY TSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
With the exception of Oktoberfest, Germany is not famous for its excesses. It's actually rightly appreciated for its modesty and humility. Fine, fine traits. While us Brits where out living it up on bank sponsored credit, spending hundreds of thousands of pounds on these little boxes where we'd house ourselves, the Germans stayed in their rented homes, in their beloved kitchens, baking their
Image credit: shirtarrest.
24. KNOW THE ANSWER IS TO BRING KARTOFFELSALAT
You are probably aware of the eminent Russian physiologist Ivan Pavlov and his work on the conditioning of dogs, who he trained to salivate on demand, just by his ringing a small bell. After finding dogs too easy and maliable to his whim, he set out to look for a tougher challenge, one that has until now, received less attention. Discarding the bell, and keen to work with people this time, he devised another ingenious experiment in conditioning only this time on the entire nation of Germany. You may not have heard about it, but if you've witnessed the effect. His goal was that when anyone said to a German "You're invited to a party" or "Let's have a BBQ" they would instinctively think "I'll make a Kartoffelsalat". Needless to say, if you've been to such an event and seen seven stacked tubs of Kartoffelsalat, you'll already know it was a perfect success.25. PROST!!
I imagine prosting or cheersing (if we translate it crudely) used to be fun. You're in a group, you've the luxury of enough money to buy this drink, enough time to devote to the drinking of it, enough friends that want to socialise and drink with you. Prosting is really an act of happy comradery. A short, sweet, clinky, fuck you to the world and its petty problems. When I first arrived here, I prosted as I would in England, maybe we touched glasses, maybe we just lifted them ever so slightly more than we would need to reach our mouths, in a short gesture, before lowering it again and drinking. This isn't acceptable here. Here all holders of a beverage must compete in a sort of awkward drinking dance, in which everyone must make very, very obvious eye contact with every one else, in turn, and all glasses MUST touch all other glasses. Then, like in Ice Skating, judges, who've been watching from the periphery, hold up scorecards for all participants, showing how successfully they've taken part across a range of criteria such as "did they clink against every glass, in a logical, clockwise manner" and "duration and intensity of eye contact".
Some of these topics were suggested in the comments from the first articles. For everyone who suggested them, pat yourselves on your perceptive backs.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)