Friday, February 20, 2015

Two more English writing samples to understand and critique

Burgau 10th Graders are happy to have an outside audience for their work to use stylistic devices.
First, here is a background tool they used to learn about these devices.

A.   Model analysis of the speech extract by Nelson Mandela
 (cf. worksheet: text analysis)
Caution: This is by no means a perfect analysis. 
This is a slightly improved version of what the course,
(mainly two ladies), produced in our last lesson.
It serves to show what is possible in limited time and
what the general structure of an analysis should look like.
In the following I will analyse the speech by Nelson Mandela. 
I will focus on rhetorical means and stylistic devices.
In the text there are many anaphoras, ll. 1ff.:  
 »We ... We... We....«, cf. l. 17  The anaphoras combine different 
sentences into one unit and also create a rhythmn and in that way 
catch the listeners’ interest and go right into their mind.  
The anaphora in ll. 1ff.  is also an example of the inclusive we
It creates a feeling of togetherness. The repetition in l. 21
 »Never ... never ... never« creates a dramatic atmosphere. 
It also creates a rhythm making the text more powerful.  
Nelson Mandela directly addresses the audience in l. 9 
»you, the people« and maybe l. 24 (»let freedom reign«). 
He also uses imperatives (e.g. l. 18: »Let there be justice for all ...«).
This makes the audience feel directly involved. It also encourages
 the audience to be strong.
Throughout the whole text the author uses religious language and 
religious allusions (l. 26 »God bless Africa«, also l. 3 and l. 13). 
The listeners paymore attention to the speech because religion plays
a big role in their lives. Nelson Mandela uses an enthusiastic way 
of speaking (many, strong adjectives and short sentences or phrases), 
cf. ll. 2ff. »We enter into a covenant that we shall build the society
in which all South Africans, both black and white...«). 
As we have seen, Nelson Mandela uses different stylistic devices 
to convince his audience and supporters. 

B.  With that example in mind, here (WAY BELOW)  are the
 final 2 excerpts from a recent assignment, along with comments 
(critiques) from their fellow classmates.  
Certainly the written projects aren't to be of the same caliber as 
Mandela.  But this advanced writing class is focusing on
incorporating more writing style.

How can we show these students that we appreciate their efforts
to express their thoughts in English -- while they explain for us
some of the quirks of their culture?

#1.  Do you understand just how the Excuse Book is used?  -- rsb

Tuesday, 3 February 2015, 11:28 PM

Excuse book

Germans always have to be punctual. But in the seldom cases they aren’t,German school kids use an “Entschuldigungsheft” (the English translation would be something like excuse book). That little blank book has a lot of space for excuses if they miss lessons or days. But to fill it in is so complicated that not even Germans understand it. 

There is a system – unfortunately it’s just known by teachers who have worked with it for a really long time. But don’t worry: With a little help it is possible to get something like an idea of what the excuse book is good for. 

First of all, the most frequently happening situation: You wake up in the morning and feel absolutely terrible. No problem – stay at home for a day. But don’t forget to fill in your excuse book with what is giving it his name: Excuses. 

If you are 18 or older you can write and sign it on your own. If not, you will have to ask your parents. When you feel better and return to school, the first step is to walk to your tutor and show your excuse (the tutor is your German teacher). Then you have to tremble, sweat and hope that it’s accepted. Sometimes it depends on the teacher and sometimes on his “mamadelovelylunchpcket”.

But if he says yes, the hard part is not over yet. Because now you have to play hide and seek with every single teacher you would have had. With every single teacher you have to discuss and every single teacher has to be convinced.

Now you certainly think that it was a very stupid idea to invent an excuse book. But that is just the easiest version to excuse yourself. If you miss the day of an exam, for example, it is the most terrible situation you can imagine. 

Stupid ideas like an excuse book are why Germans always have to be punctual.
Re: Excuse book by Jana O - Wednesday, 4 February 2015, 8:21 AM
Love the text but why does it is the most terrible Situation to excuse a day of an exam?
Re: Excuse book by Chan B - Wednesday, 4 February 2015, 8:31 AM
Because it is sooooooooooo complicated
Re: Excuse book  by Ha-Ma La - Wednesday, 4 February 2015, 8:29 AM
The whole text is very funny and you describe the problem very well! You used very stylistic devices to make the text more interesting like irony, hyperboles and neologism.
Because of the sentence structure the text is very attractive!
Good job!

#2  Does this review pique your curiosity?  Would you be inclined to visit this establishment?  Or rather stay away?  Do we have anything which resembles the EndArt in NK? - In RI?
Wednesday, 4 February 2015, 12:19 AM


You visit Germany for a few weeks and want to have a good Friday or Saturday. Then you can go to the EndArt. There are a few party rooms where you can dance, eat and drink — not just alcohol. So we stay sober all night.

The disco EndArt is located in an old factory. Over three floors there are dance rooms with modern light effects, for example blinding effects or lasers are there for you. And if you feel warm, you can leave your clothes at the checkroom.

There are many stairs which you have to climb, bt if you're sober, it's no problem.
Felix, Lea, Marc
Re: EndArt  by A-Ka F - Wednesday, 4 February 2015, 8:17 AM
The text is understandable, but a little bit too short. You should use more stylistic devices- not just an enumeration/ accumulation. It would be more meaningful to mention more meaningful to mention more information about the "EndArt".
Sofia, Ann-Kathrin
Re: EndArt  by lisa r - Wednesday, 4 February 2015, 8:20 AM
Your text is understandable and there are a few information, but a little bit short.
There is only one stylistic device: an enumeration.
Re: EndArt   by Mo Mü - Wednesday, 4 February 2015, 8:36 AM
I think this text has good aspects, but it's definitely too short. Also I only find one stylistic device. In line 2, there could be irony -- because maybe you did drink alcohol that night. 

Finally I think you describe some parts of the Endart very good, but there is missing a lot!
For the future I wish, that you write more longer texts with a well structure and  many stylistic devices. :)

1 comment:

  1. Yes its very helpful.
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