Some bright spark has decided to see what happens if I go to Dortmund (via Düsseldorf). I don't speak German.
Hi kids, you know when your teacher tells you to learn German. Well, do it.
"You'll Never Walk Alone" Dortmund-style
10.50Hello everyone. Have you heard the news? Jurgen Klopp is leaving Borussia Dortmund. Reportedly.
Dortmund are due to hold a press conference at 12.30 pm to explain what the devil is going on so I'll ring you all the news from that and all the reaction. The piece below is what we know so far...
News storyBorussia Dortmund manager Jurgen Klopp has reportedly asked to leave the German club at the end of season.
Klopp, 47, won the Bundesliga with Dortmund in 2010-11 and 2011-12 before guiding them to the Champions League final where they lost to Bayern Munich the following year.
However, a disastrous start to the current domestic season has left them 10th in the table with just six games to play and almost certain to miss out on European football next season.
That prospect appears to have been crucial in making up Klopp's mind and any imminent departure is likely to alert a number of English club to his availability.
Klopp has been heavily linked with Arsenal and Liverpool in the past, although it is unlikely Arsene Wenger or Brendan Rodgers are in immediate danger of being replaced.
11.00Where is Klopp going next? Which clubs are on RED ALERT? Who will make a STUNNING bid to snap him up? When will a SHOCK move be made?
We can only speculate. So let's do just that.
The people at Paddy Power have emailed me some odds on where Klopp will end up next in the hope that I will give them some free publicity. And I certainly will.
15/8 - Man City
11/2 - Real Madrid
6/1 - Arsenal
6/1 - Liverpool
7/1 - Barcelona
10/1 - Chelsea
10/1 - Bayern Munich
12/1 - Man United
17/1 - Everton
33/1 - Southampton
33/1 - Atletico Madrid
45/1 - Newcastle
45/1 - West Ham
11.08Yes, he's won a couple of German league titles and made a Champions League final but what else does can Klopp bring to the Premier League?
This... (you will watch it at least three times):
(Video of Klopp laughing and misunderstanding...what?)
11.22Word is that Klopp's people have already had enquiries from a number of clubs about his availability. Let us do some of that speculating again.
Man City - Manuel Pellegrini is likely to be sacked at the end of the season after failing to mount a successful title challenge this campaign. The powers that be want Pep Guardiola to take over when he leaves Bayern Munich though. But will they change their mind now that Klopp is available?
Real Madrid - The Spanish giants might not win La Liga and might not win the Champions League. That's usually about enough to ditch their manager. Carlo Ancelotti is the current man in charge but they have Zinedine Zidane waiting in the wings.
Arsenal - They have been keen on Klopp for some time and feelings toward Wenger fluctuate between in and out on an almost weekly basis. In the words of Generic Foreign Manager, Wenger is very much "in a good moment" right now though.
Liverpool - For Arsenal, read Liverpool.
Barcelona - For Real Madrid, read Barcelona.
Chelsea - They are about to win the Premier League and they have Jose Mourinho as their manager. It's not going to happen.
A far more likely destination is Manchester City, with manager Manuel Pellegrini's job far less secure after a poor run of form all-but ended his side's hopes of retaining their Premier League title.
11.30<noframe>Twitter: Salim Masoud Said - Klopp not a 'hipster' manager unless he uses this opportunity to coach TP Mazembe.</noframe>
11.38Our man Jeremy Wilson has the latest from Arsenal on whether they will make a move for Jurgen Klopp. Can you guess what they said?
Here is a snippet and HERE is the full piece: "Arsenal have given thought to how they would deal with the succession to Wenger..." Oooh what a tease.
11.50We are but 40 minutes away from the Borussia Dortmund press conference. Excited? This is what Klopp does when he gets excited:
We want to hear from you. Well sort of. We just want you to vote in our poll of where you think Jurgen Klopp will go next. You can cast your vote by clicking HERE.
If you do want to say anything else then you can reach me on email (firstname.lastname@example.org) or via Twitter (@benbloomsport).
12.00What might Klopp's departure mean for Dortmund's players and a certain Mats Hummels in particular?
The centre-back has been heavily linked with a move to Manchester United this summer and you can only assume Klopp leaving will make his departure even more likely. Here is our latest story on Hummels's future:
The Dortmund press conference is imminent, but while you wait do have a look at our Premier League manager sack race gallery with odds on who will be the next man to be given the boot.
BORUSSIA DORTMUND CONFIRM JURGEN KLOPP WILL LEAVE THE CLUB ON JULY 1
12.34Klopp has just sat down to face the media...
12.37Right we have a slight issue... they are speaking in German and my GCSE in the subject isn't much help.
What I can deduce is that the bloke currently speaking (I'm assuming he's the Dortmund chief exec or something) genuinely sounds like someone has died. He's properly choked. Oh he just said "fantastisch". I'm guessing he wasn't describing Klopp's decision to leave the club.
12.39Why can't I speak German???????
12.41I'd love to tell you what Klopp is saying. He is saying a lot. But I can understand precisely none of it. So here's a photo of him pouring some water instead:
12.44I have a couple of translations coming through.
Klopp: "I chose this time to announce it because in the last years some player decisions were made late and you couldn't react."
"It's not that I am tired, I don't have any contact with another club but I don't plan to take a year off either."
I'm afraid I cannot verify how correct those sentences is. I'm rapidly realising that I am as close to useless right now as I have ever been in my life.
12.46I am going to email my old German teacher Dr Plow after this and apologise.
<noframe>Twitter: Jobo - <a href="http://www.twitter.com/benbloomsport" target="_blank">@benbloomsport</a> Learn German! Quick!</noframe>
12.49Klopp has finished speaking and we have just heard from a chap with a lovely slicked back hairstyle. Although most hairstyles look lovely to me.
12.53So, in lieu of someone with any semblance of knowledge of the German language, I shall now consider what we know:
- Klopp has not planned a sabatical.
- Klopp is not tired.
- Klopp has not had contact with any other club.
If that's not insightful then I don't know what is.
12.55They have just opened up questions the floor. I'm afraid the questions are just as German as the answers.
Oh, we have one more translated line! ""I don't think of it as a load off my shoulders. I'm not tired, even though I look like this."
12.56WHY DON'T WE HAVE A UNIVERSAL LANGUAGE ACROSS THE GLOBE???
12.58I am genuinely sorry about this. I realise this is highly unprofessional. Don't tell my boss I can't speak German. He thinks I'm translating this press conference word for word.
The big man is still answering questions. I managed to catch the following words: "Extreme", "Sport" and "And". Make of that what you will. In my mind he's considering a new career as a skydiver.
13.03Klopp just cracked a gag and the entire press conference audience laughed. A joker to the end. Or almost the end. Remember he's staying in the job until July 1.
(Thanks to the person who tweeted me a "How to learn German in 60 seconds" video. It didn't work I'm afraid.)
13.05It's finished! What? I didn't expect that. They said thank you, got up and left. What on Earth do I do now??? I haven't enlightened one reader and they've already left!!! Erm...
13.08Someone that speaks German has actually done some proper translating! Praise the lord. Right I'm going to pass this off as my own and hope no one notices.
Klopp: "I always said in that moment where I believe I am not the perfect coach anymore for this extraordinary club, I will say so.
"I believe this is the right decision at the right time.
"I have not had any contact with any other clubs, nor have I any plans to take a sabbatical.
"I just wanted to make my decision known now so that the club can plan for the future.
"I chose this time to announce it, because in the last few years, some player decisions were made late and there was no time to react."
Sky Sports News have just played a snippet from the press conference and they had a bloke translating Klopp's words. How did they find a German speaker and the Telegraph was lumbered with me? I fear I have damaged the reputation of this once great institution considerably.
Es tut mir leid. (Google translate tells me that is "I am sorry" in German)
13.14So it turns out the bloke almost in tears earlier was Dortmund's sporting director Michael Zorc and these were some of the words he managed to get out before breaking down completely (N.B. He didn't actually break down).
"We have written football history with you, Jurgen. You have given the club much energy and optimism."
Can you feel the love in the room?
13.26So I think we should recap. From what I understood that press conference saw Klopp announce he is embarking on a new career in extreme sports and his boss describe his decision to leave as "fantastisch".
In reality Klopp confirmed he was leaving the club and doesn't know what he is going to do next, while his boss paid tribute to him multiple times.
And that, in a nutshell, sums up just little use I have been over the past hour.
13.38Seeing as how I have been unable to find a translated question asking "Which Premier League club are you going to join next season" I shall assume no one asked such a question. Which leaves us able to continue to speculate on what the future holds for our German friend Mr Klopp.
I, for one, would put my pennies on Manchester City. Manuel Pellegrini isn't going to last the summer holidays is he? My other educated guess would be that Arsenal make a poor start to the season, Arsene Wenger is subjected to his usual #WengerOut campaign and Klopp replaces him at Christmas.
13.48Right then, it's just about time for me wrap up. Excuse me while I breathe a sigh of relief after getting through one of the more bizarre live blogs of my career and celebrate in the manner of Jurgen Klopp.
14.00And with that I bid you farewell. Again, many apologies for a hopeless lack of German knowledge. You'd think it would have been a prerequisite to live blog a Borussia Dortmund press conference but perhaps not. Only time will tell if the person who tweeted me suggesting I am getting "sacked in the morning" is correct.
I also apologise for this live blog becoming far too much about me. I can assure you it will not happen again. Let us end on what we came here for: Jurgen Klopp. It isn't often that one of the world's leading managers becomes available so expect the speculation to run, run and run some more until he gets another job. It'll be interesting.
Thanks for joining me. Cheerio.